A symbol of the tides inside

2010-05-26T01:15:00.000+08:00

So lets begin rhetorically.

Who sets the stereotypes in this society?
What conditions warping a stereotype defines its nature of right or wrong?
Where do we confine the boundaries of what's right or wrong?
What is the definition of being right?
Where does this basis of being come from?
The law governs our physical actions, but what governs our moral actions and intellectual perspectives?
If someone says they are morally right based on the force of nature and how it works,is it sufficient?
and if the someone is a majority of beings, are the minority wrong?
Should the minority be suppressed?
Suppressed for the fact that the majority is the convention and the easy way out is to follow the convention?
Where is the mutual respect for morals?
Who should be given more mutual respect?
Is there a precedence to it?
Or should it be equal regardless of race, gender or age?
And this relates to human rights. Isn't human rights equal?
How do you explain human rights?
Is it not the little core of selfishness within one?
Or is it that the minority of society are only approved when what they do and think benefits the rest?
When the minority instead of voicing their selfish core, voice their selfless core to feed the selfish core of the masses with benefit.
Is that the only time the minority are approved? Only War-heroes/heroines alike?
Where for example their selfless çharacter enabled them to die for the country so the mass could hold on to their selfish core desiring to live?

2009-09-14T23:58:00.003+08:00

I am very sad. I feel very down and depressed. I long for that love and care. I want things to go back to normal. I really do. The emptiness and lost feeling is killing me. Its affecting everything i do. Its just crazy. I'm flaring up at everyone for no reason. I'm worse than a girl going through her period.

I feel i need to entrust myself to god. Its seems as if all else has failed. Where theres no one to turn to who can help me directly. Friends can offer advice. Friends can tolerate the mood swings. But no, they cannot change whats inside. I need someone to help me and save me from what my inner being has became. But where do i start?

The only solution i thought of and acted upon only can help that much. I have ran out of ideas. I am exhausted. Someone save me please, from all this agony, from all this pain, from all the sleepless nights.

I'm killing myself. I dont know who i am anymore.

2009-04-28T23:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know why. I really don't.
I don't know why i cant resist going all soft when i see her face.
Its like a picture of her is enough to make my day.

Been awhile since i felt this way. Not since that break up.
Never really recovered, no, not at all.
I hate to remember that day, where all my emotions were a meandering whirl.
The self esteem drained drought dry. It felt like the end of the world.
Hitting me faster than any dosage of alcohol.
Its about time i guess.
One and a half years of concealed depression didn't do good.
I didn't care how i looked, there was no more self confidence and no more image.
Muscles turned to fat, beer belly formed, complexion ruined with pimples.

Picking myself up never felt better.
This time there's more maturity, more sincerity and more seriousness.

And I hope this will work out. I pray this will go my way.

Looking back, everything was an experience.
An experience with a mixture of emotions.
An experience with a lesson to learn at the end.
But though as much as i am glad it happened, i wished it never ended.

On a separate note, when i look at him, the best friend, i see a younger reflection of myself.
The raging hormones, the curiosity to experience, the un-deflatable ego and the wannabe everything thats in the scene.
I watched him hit rock bottom, hard.
And all that came to my mind was that he had to fall, as what will not kill him will bring him back up stronger than before.
I hope he pulls together, i hope he does a positive self reflection and takes the right steps of correction.
He should be thankful that this has happened to him. He may not see it now, but humbleness will take him an extra mile further.
He has a lot to learn.

But then, so do I and so does everyone else. It never ends...

Sigh. Why does everything transitory have to be so hard.

2008-10-22T12:10:00.001+08:00

you check the watch
the time is right

you close your eyes
you hear your heart beat

you open your ears
the bass is pumping

you check your pulse
the adrenaline rising

you observe your hand
the glass potently half filled

you glance at the surroundings
cheers and screams engulf the place

you watch hour glass body frames groove
just like stunning masquerades on the move

your eyes cannot settle
cause they all look so fine

and you think to yourself, "this is home."

"Welcome to Zouk."

2008-10-05T19:38:00.000+08:00

how does one begin to explain?
how does one manage to contain?
how does one try and refrain?
how does one endure the strain?
how does one run after a plane?
how does one erase the stain?
how does one love and stay sane?
how does one have courage to remain?
how does one stop the falling rain?
how does one shut out the pain?

have i not done enough to stay in the game?
did nothing i do touch you one bit?
why is your heart still cold from the start?

fuckkkkk. more orange juice with ginnnn.

2008-09-27T15:26:00.000+08:00

and i think i'm starting to like you.
but i can tell you dont see it that way.

Maybe its a phase, where things dont go my way.
The dashed hopes. The broken dreams. The inferior minds.

2008-09-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how shots of nothing can bring everything.
Its amazing how childhood superheroes can warp my adolescent mind.
Its amazing how i never laughed so hard for a long time.
Its amazing how the simplest words incite me to gambol with ecstasy.
Its amazing how strangers can click and tick like a clock.

I have never felt so jovial for a long time.

It was a pleasure knowing you. Thanks.

2008-06-11T00:25:00.000+08:00

I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creation of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.

The hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.

Napoléon Bonaparte
(15 August 1769 – 5 May 1821)

2008-05-29T08:59:00.000+08:00

and my new found favourite quote of the week.

Romance without finance. No chance.

heh.

2008-05-04T14:52:00.000+08:00

Working pays well. But its tiring as hell. Working as a research analyst basically means conducting researches on listed companies from different industries and evaluating them on whether they are a good buy or not on the stock market.

Every morning at 5.45am, the routine starts by me applying pressure on the disable alarm button. Washing up and train rides ensue with entering the office at 7. Work comes along and before i know it, the stomach complains, sending acidic juices up my throat, craving for matter to digest on.

Lunch occurs alone with a time limit.

Hence i will walk aimlessly down the arcade, looking for any food interesting which catches my eye.

Finally, something made me look twice. I scurry behind a queue of office ladies and wait impatiently for my turn. I make my order stating the usual "no cucumber please auntie and chilli on the side thank you". I settle the plate and soup neatly on the tray and cautiously approach seats with no tissue paper or whatever reserving them (the typical kiasu attitude of Singaporean office ladies who are so possessive of their seats). I despise and curse under my breath as i walk around looking meticulously for a seat to rest my butt on.

After finding a spot, i dig in hungrily, looking around at the same time, envying how everyone is eating lunch in a group, engrossed in conversations while i subside in a corner like a ghost, with a refractive index of 1, the same color as air, devouring each mouthful with loneliness.

As i took the last spoon, i check the watch. 15 Min's left. I stroll to the drink store, pointing at a random can drink, paying it with loose change and sputtered a brisk thank you before heading back to the towering 27 floor building where more work awaits.

As the sliding door opens, i look straight at the lift landings and walk, chucking the can into a bin on the hall way. I tap the access card given, opening the door to hell as i go in. I hear the door close with a thud and i settle on the chair at my desk, embracing the chair handles and staring out of the window before continuing with my work.

Time passes slowly as i constantly open Google web pages for research, typing "hi" or "hey" to anyone online at the same time, desperately hoping for a reply to help pass time and obtain short-lived entertainment.

I suddenly see the task bar blinking. But to my dismay, the reply was a virus. "Check out my cool photos at http://www.ichecker.com". Closing it with angst, it could not have been worse. I spot the watch and stare at the minute hand approaching quarter to 6. Finally, the moment is about to arrive. I count down slowly but silently, staring at documents to reassure my boss i am still focused.

As 6 o'clock closes in, i sign out of the computer and make my way to somewhere lonely with bad memories of my saddening childhood and life. Home.

Its been this routine for the past 4 months. It was hard to adapt, but i got by.

I am just like a slave. Whatever the parents say, i do. I do not dare to ask, because of the past.

One day, I'll make it out alone and i will let out everything inside, evicting my wrath and suffering.

Till then i wait, patient like a lion staring at its prey.

I need a life.

2008-04-22T20:38:00.000+08:00

Its been a dam long while ago since i last posted. Couldn't be bothered.

But for now, the need to blog is essential.

I am suffering from the no life disease. I don't know why, its just that i feel dam lonely in Singapore since i returned "permanently" to serve the motherfucking nation which wastes my motherfucking time.

Maybe its because when i left for Aussie at 13, i sort of drifted from my Singapore friends. Even the best friends have gone and made new groups of friends.

And now that i am back in Singapore, i am practically cut off from my Aussie friends and significantly lost contact with the Singaporeans.

Which in all, to cut a long story short, Justin Tan equals to a loner. :((

I miss everyone. working now does not help as it leaves me with time for nothing.

My colleagues are in a way different age group, talking about stocks and investments and red wine. Just out of my league yo.

Whatever happened to conversations of women and booze of the "you-tube" generation. Where did all the partying i had go?

Seems like no one cares anymore.

That's why i cant wait to visit down under. At least I've got a life there (I hope so). I've got not much here really. Parents and family only play a role in nagging me to work and asking me to read six editions of the newspaper, Business Times, Financial Times, The Economists and Forbes. Turning me into some entrepreneur maniac going through martyrdom and spurning thoughts that consists of no epistemic logic except overdosing myself with concentrated cyanide.

Here's a big fuck you Singapore. Screw you SAF. Thanks for the making lives miserable eh?

Perhaps its a transition like she said. I hope shes right, then its just me being unable to adapt. Thanks for being a listening ear. I'll promise to visit soon.

2007-11-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

Is it so hard to get parents to trust you and trust your judgements when you yourself know that what you are doing is right? Its such a pity that they do not put theirselves in our shoes but instead just live in their own world expecting us to live up to their ideals and be the next prodigy from harvard or something. Gosh, i think god had better help them.

Mum thought i was partying at 7.30p.m. in the evening when i told her i am meeting up with a few friends to study. The fact is i was in the state library studying. What an ideal clubbing venue that is man. haha, life's a joke. I think she probably got so psycho-ed by remarks and sweeping statements that people make about me. Who parties at 7.30p.m. anyways? Any takers? I think my mum is losing it. She goes on and on about how i am being the extreme and not doing things in moderation.

On the other hand, i feel like slaughtering those people who made those sweeping statements as well. They just dont know when to shut their trap and mind their own business do they? I will curse them to death and drop roses over their tombstones and then build a club over their graves. I'll see how they rest in peace then. The more intriguing fact is that they dont even KNOW me. IF you dont know me, FUCK OFF.

They BLOODY disturbed MY peace during MY big exams, causing some woohoo! lecture by mum and dad. How fascinating.

Arrrghh!

2007-10-24T09:03:00.000+08:00

In 19 days, it will be liberation. Fuck the books, and the studying. Those worthless pieces of paper can be burnt away or recycled to clean someone's ass. I will be done for highschool/college education or whatever shit its called. Its just university next, which i hear is more enjoyable depending on the course you take. At least, when i enter university in 2 or 3 years time, i will be over 18 and my parents will less restricting on my fucking life. Gosh, i dont know whats wrong, but i am just having an immense sense of hatred for everything obstructing my path to holidays and fun.

Back to the books. Laters.

2007-09-20T20:41:00.000+08:00

and i must say, yesterday was the happiest day i had this year.
I am so glad, we buried the hatchet and got it all resolved.
Talking to you again was as though we were never apart before.
thank you momochan.

2007-09-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

So i took yet another hiatus from blogspot. Feeling freaking sian of everything around now. Mugging like some nerd from R.I. Bloody prelims. Bloody high expectations from parents. bah.

Anyway, i got bored and decided to write some shit which is pretty realistic and can be related of what i am going through. Though its probably hardly viable. I need a break from life man. Crushed by a crush. =/

As the ends of the cigarette burns away and turn to ashes, I ponder. I related my life with this long stick of nicotine. My life was eroding away just the same. The ash thrown away was just like my past, stored away some where etched deep in my soul. Fragments and pieces it was, just like the scattering ashes, so lucid but yet insignificant. I look back at my the ephemeral joys of childhood with reminiscence. The good, the bad, the happy times, the carefree times and the miserable days with sad and emo demeanours. I stare aimlessly at what I have become of currently just as I would glance at what is left of the cigarette. I need to change for the better just as how a new cigarette looks like. Innocent and untouched, emitting an aroma of freshly compacted tobacco straight from the factory. It reminded me of how I was a child, when the only girl in my life was my mother, where pain meant scraped knees on the playground, where love was nothing but words said to kith and kin, where war was nothing but a card game and drugs were no more than cough mixture prescribed by doctors which inscribe trepidation.
As of now, girlfriends come along, parents drift. Healthy vegetables laid forcefully on the plate replaced with chicken saute in 200 degrees burning heat and skin scalping oil. The need to fit in and coining identities sets in, overshadowing the kid who used to not care how he looked like and behaves in public. Peer pressure was not to play in park or mesmerise in computer games but instead to temper with drugs and booze. The boy who used to be afraid of puberty now besieges it with ascending ego. Drinking 8 cups of water was the rule but the rule was abolished to 8 cups of vodka. The liver is corroding for gods sake, the brain is deteriorating to a retarded state for heavens sake, the lungs are turning to dark gloomy patches of tar for your own sake and the heart which was so soft, warm blooded and strong has been damaged with fatty acids and clogging passageways tinted with not a tad but a wholesome of coldness.
This heart, it has endured painful times, times of big trouble, it aches so badly whenever its being is insulted or reprimanded with cynicism and pessimism. It is becoming no longer a heart but a stone, immune against this criticism. But somehow, someone new always finds a way to embrace it, mould it, and treat it with tender loving care and most of all destroying it into oblivion like a new viral infection created every month. Currently, she jokes, she pokes fun and she thinks of it as enjoyable. But what she does not know, is that she has touched this raw side of mine, painfully stabbing it unknowingly and continuously with a knife so invisible like the refractive index of thin air. The chain reaction then occurs like uranium reactions, the ego is deflated, the self-confidence is diminished, the character affected, the insecurity sets in and the perspectives attempting to change. All this just for the sake of putting a halt to this emotional turpitude and distasteful comments of humour and fun. Begging her to show some apathy, empathy and sympathy.
Fuck this as usual and as per normal. Continuation would lead to nothingness and emptiness. Train of thoughts will meander to balls of wool, emotions will stir the smile to grimace and create insomnia. Days which are buffo will be affected with vertigo. So I ask myself again, why bother caring? Shouldn't I be enjoying life to the fullest since love is transitory but at is eternal? I don't have long to live and nothing will last. So let's all smoke another joint and unwind surreptitiously shall we? Aloha.
I pledge this was written with no sarcasm or batteries included. Not to be read by children under the age of three. Big time innocence hazard.

2007-08-05T16:34:00.000+08:00

So i havent blogged for awhile. Sort of got sick of it. Internet was down for awhile as well. July was good. the girlfriend, holidays, birthday celebrations and everything. I wanna say happy birthday to my sister which apparently has the same birthday as me. Its a little belated to blog about it due to the screwed up internet. O well, 13 years of having the same birthday with her, considering shes 4 years younger. But i hoped she enjoyed hers in Singapore because i did enjoy mine over here in Aussie. Holidays from the start till the ides of July was pretty enjoyable. Had friends over everyday and we chilled out, drink, played games, swim, basically stuff i dont get to really do in Aussie.

Had prom just 2 days ago. It was really nice. Everyone was dolled up, maked up. It seems like an extreme makeover competition. There was this gay who wore a full dress/bra/heels and all. Basically you could consider him as a girl. His figure was hour-glass shaped an i really admire his guts to do that. He took all the shit from people teasing him and all. Further more, he danced voluntarily on the danced floor and broke the ice of no one wanting to go and dance first. And god, that guy can shake man. lol. If only god made him a girl. HAHA.

And just today, i got dumped. Over a reason i would not say. Feeling really down about it. But i guess i have to get over it. Tears trickled when i reminisce of all the happy times with her. I miss her loads. She wouldnt give a second chance and i really dont know how to take it, because we see each other in classes and the school isnt that big to start with. All that chatting on the phone, the trips out to the beach chasing seagulls and catching starfish, the nights where we would party together, hang out together and just enjoy one anothers company, those afternoon lunches and going out, parading the streets, shopping and last of all the intimacy. Those comforting embraces which i always yearn for will never happen again i guess.

What a nice way to start August huh. For the first time i am having problems everywhere except the area of studies. O WOW. hurhur.

I still love you sarah yau.

2007-07-01T03:08:00.000+08:00

Problems are such a pain
they make effort go in vain
just like Beckham travelling to Spain.
Its worse than sniffing cocaine
or red diesel paint.

Its makes the calmest being go insane

and the happiest person resulting in bane.

I hate you, MR PROBLEMS. lol.

So many reasons, so many excuses, so many barriers. All against what i highly desire and deeply want. When can i have my ideals?

2007-06-27T15:19:00.000+08:00

I love you baby.
Lets last. <3

2007-06-21T00:12:00.000+08:00

And my past 2 days have been rather free for a change. Being incommunicado and all you know. For the first time this year, i was feeling carefree in terms of anything to do with school. I had time to seek solace in my room and do some soul searching and i was wondering about many things that came into question as i ponder.

I was interrogating myself about my behaviour, my morales and values. Is that what i live for? Is my behaviour an ideal according to my expectations of the past and my parents? All this partying, rejoicing, chasing the next Gucci catalogue, hooking up and serenading the girl next door, loitering Chinatown, acting like some socialite soliciting respect and pride and spending money like a spendthrift with no tomorrows. Is it wrong of me to have been militated and influenced to a state like this or is it normal to feel like that? Am i too much of a wannabe portraying a paper face on parade? Or is it because i feel incompetence within me that i have to keep up materialistically and behave like a stereotype of this society? Or maybe i have been acting like this long enough to consider this my real personal character. But is this what i want? or is this what society expects of me? What should be the priority? My expectations or society's?

Why do i try to lasso superficiality with a rope of inconfidence? Why do i choose this kind of influence instead of getting influenced by students who are law abiding and achieve the top results, attaining scholarships for academics?

This dilemma is seriously confusing and mind boggling. However, i would definitely prefer self reflection and resolutions when put in comparison with stressful studying. I guess this why i shun myself away from the good side of peer pressure and influence. I have regretfully created a mental brick wall in between me and those "A" students. I hope i have not buried myself too deep into this lifestyle so that i can make adjustments. I think what my dad talked to me about was right. He said i have no self-confidence, no identity and little originality. He hollered at me saying that i keep following the crowd and do whatever others do without a mind of my own. He asked me where was my conscience and sense. He also said i have this ego which i have to feed and uphold. I reluctantly admit to him that its true. I dont know why i am writing this, embarassing myself to readers who will laugh at my insecurities while others will laugh at my pathetic attempt to gain sympathy which is of course not the issue.

In order to change and correct, i need a start. And i have chosen one. I want to lower my ego from this day on. As ego is ignorance and arrogance synthesized together, contributing to this mishap which made me bigoted to my past. I hope this is the right remedy though.

I pray lord, that you will open my eyes and help me not succumb to these wrongful acts of conceit and badways. Enlighten me as i am lost. Guide me as if i was blind. And teach me again as if i was autistic. I have wronged myself and many others. I had a corrupted mentality of my way of life and judged everything by appearance. And i want to thank you lord for helping me see my errors. I pray to you in Jesus name and ask for your forgiveness as i feel repentant and remorseful.

Amen.

Nostalgic. Seriously nostalgic. Okay Justin, No, dont reminisce. Dont, Justin dont. No, tintin, dont go there. It will just hurt you more than ever, causing more heartbreak than you deserve.Find another girlfriend. She is put as the PAST for a reason. A PAST meaning its OVER. OVER. get it boy? yes. drill that in. Break that memory into fragments of shards and dust. Discard it to Never-Never land and start afresh.

2007-06-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

And i think that physics is an epistemological pedagogy as it just corrupts my version of delineating reality. Its as if it was a language of its own. The linguistics i saw in that paper today just pissed me off. I think i have this natural barrier against it. There's no way i can make it my best friend and strike up a rapport. I CANT COMPREHEND. I swear by everything that it dresses up with equations of no appeal and makes-up with reality tainted in a very sad demeanor. Its character is of a strange and irate kind, always filled with problems from all sorts, which resembles an emo profession. Its as if it hates the world and endeavors to solve every mystery. No wonder all physicists are boring people with no lives and friends. They die rather early and behave like introverts who are outcasts to our social society and magnets to nature and the supernatural. But then again, if not for them, we would probably be in stone age now, with no technological advances and probably existing with livelihoods experiencing umbra at caves made of ancient limestone walls exhibiting glaciers that could unfortunately fall and create demise once or twice every ticking minute.

Okay, why the fuck am i rambling in contempt and resentment for when its all over. I should be looking forward to a single digit score written in devil red ink so bright and visible that it bends the least when white light disperses into its seven colours. This score will be accompanied with naggings and reprimanding which never cease due to the abundance of gracious care and love my parents shower and etch into me.

Sianzation. I hope I get A's for the rest of my exams. Maybe i should be more pious. O well, laters.

2007-06-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

and yet again. history repeats itself. maybe its deja vu. or it could be karma. somehow my crushes always end up with my close friends. I bet readers are sick of reading the same thing when they visit my blog. Its probably deemed as some blog with sad stories and pessimistic settings. The entries are also so emo and non-chalant. Its seldom worth celebrating or rejoicing about. I guess i just use this blog to bitch and rant because i hate expressing my emotions to people. Maybe i'm shy. or maybe not, i dont know. I feel so confused and down. I hope i dont die single. I guess i should just drown and immerse my sorrows by bombarding my dotage brain and destroyed ear drums with loud slow music that have voices with a pitch higher than any other tune.

I for once felt confident about getting As in my exams which is a good sign.

Please god, get me out of this. I feel like crying. I'm trying my best, giving my all to be a true friend to her. Being happy that she has found someone she likes and all.

fuck this.bury me six feet under figuratively.

2007-06-08T14:15:00.001+08:00

Mummy, forgive me. For i have failed as your son.

I wont explain. suicide is only the choice.

2007-06-04T21:39:00.000+08:00

15th June : English and Mathematics
18th June : Physics
19th June : Economics
25th June: Computer Science
26th June: Singapore
15th July : Melbourne
25th July : MY BIRTHDAY.

Counting and counting till its counted.

Next week is exams. Preparation has started. Gosh, i hope i can hang in there. Hate exams. Especially the pressure it gives as the seconds tick and you are stuck on a question. Thats like the ultimate deathwish. lol.

And i cant wait to turn 17. Actually no. I cant wait to turn 18. O well. sianzation.

She's dam cute la. Eye candy/crushhhhh =DD

i wish i can make wishes come true.

2007-06-01T00:15:00.000+08:00

Keeping in mind a steady mind. Wont forget what venn said to me. =D

Past few days was pretty busy. Preparing for Mid year exams and stuff. Its all falling into place now. For studies at least. I guess that all it matters is that anyway. Considering the purpose i came to Melbourne for.

My social life is still screwed inside out. Entering countless dilemmas and getting out of none. More time would help i hope. O well, the ups and downs of life.

And in this post i want to say thank you to vivian for entertaining me on the phone on the days that i feel like shit (even though she had a soar throat and i was high on alcohol), making me laugh when i was pissed at everything, giving me eye candy when i had sore eyes(HAHA) and last of all being there for me on msn to nudge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week when tintin is bored to shits. I really appreciate it. Thanks djj. <3 always.

Eyebags growing again. Night people.

2007-05-25T23:53:00.000+08:00

I quit clubbing.
I don't do drugs.
I don't smoke.
I get A's for 4 out of 5 subjects.

Now does that make me a good boy? =/

Past few days have been rather miserable. Lots of stuff has been happening lately. Especially that incident at OnderGround. Just because i had some mutual casual dance with her which did not involve body contact at all, her "god-brother" approached me and threatened to hit me. Irrational indeed. I swear to anything that he is the most impulsive retard on earth. Probably thinks with his feet or something. Anyways, that's why i intend to quit clubbing. I just realised all it does is suck my cash away, creates useless mis-understandings like this one and most of all, leaving me drained with no energy when i start the school week on Monday.

And for the past few days i saw my crush hanging out with my friend. Sad to see but i guess its reality. She's just an acquaintance to me but probably his best friend or girlfriend, which i do not have the guts to ask. In case it arouses suspicion. I read her blog and she says she hates relationships. She made love sound so cliche and i guess i disagree with her because i am not like that. But then again, who am i?

I dont really like this pessimism. No, not at all. Its driving me nuts. Heart tells me, go get to know her better and get her number instead of saying hi and bye when you walk past like some loser. But simultaneously, the brain says other wise, why like her when you know there is no chance? She hates relationships and your good friend is probably her boyfriend. So hands off, loser. Either way, i became a loser?

Screw this.

2007-05-15T19:05:00.000+08:00

I'm a nobody in Melbourne. I realised. And that is probably because i cant keep up in this materialistic world. I feel inferior, poor and incompetent. I get meagre amounts each month. $400 to be precise. $12 a day on food, $10 a week on laundry and tram fares, oops i am left with $6 a week to squander. Thats so MUCH! The largest amount i have seen, split into coins of $2. I am so proud of this $6. It gets me EVERYTHING. ya right, fuck this sarcasm that makes everything reality. Cant even buy a magazine with it or pay for an hour of sport at the local sports centre. Let alone go shopping. Its so in between buying something cheap or throwing it into the charity fund or the road drains.

I look back at the weeks and think about how i starved myself for the whole week, just to enjoy myself at a club or spend a little more at a local snooker centre, and all it does is make me want to smash the screen of this very labtop and vent my anger on a sand bag.

And dad keeps pushing questions about girlfriends. How the fuck do i get one here when every single person of the female gender is more than three years my senior? They are probably a billion times more mature and have levels of disposable income surpassing mine by the dozen digits in their bank statements. And thats excluding Visa's, Credit cards and Debit cards which they use excessively without second thought at retail therapy. They look at me and tell themselves they saw a young, naive and poor idiot cruising down the hallways of the college. They wont even look me in the eye. And when i see them with their boyfriends dressed from head to toe in leading designer goods, i then found out why. All i did was laugh at my misery and what a loser i had became.

Furthermore, I dont even have the guts to ask my mum for more allowance. All she said last term was why am i spending the hundred a week like a spendthrift and not saving at all. I seriously felt like retorting at her and "request nicely" that she might as well give me $94 a week, and i will save $6 a week and live a miserable and depressed life with nothing to turn to but books and seek solace in the state library which is free for entry. But instead i kept my mouth zipped and gave her the respect she always demanded. O well, anyway its their money and its hard to earn. At least i splurged on my phone bill which gives me a tint of satisfaction which i dont know why. Perhaps it feels good sometimes to spend on something you want or spend freely and enjoy its returns.

Money is everything in this world to me now. It has shifted up the priority list to number two, tagging behind the religious side of me which i dare not offend. It beats love from anyone convincingly except my parents. And i realised that with money, you can buy basically anything, including love. With money, you can be happy due to never-ending short term satisfaction. With money, there will be women. With money, there will be everything. Yes, flame me for all you want, but thats how i see it. Because in my generation, everyone wears the fake mask. Everyone is superficial and materialistic. Deny it for all you want. Its true to some extent. Look at the ascending amounts of mortals going under the knife in their 20s to get the perfect look for example. Its brand proliferation that causes the superficiality and materialism. No one wants to be left out when their peers get the next apparel from the newest catalogue in a magazine rack. Everyone is studying hard, for the sake of money. Because money helps you survive. And its sad that i lack it here.

I am losing it soon. My self confidence.

2007-05-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

I am drained. Tired from that side of life. Everyday i wake up tired, solemn and affected with vertigo. The black eye rings accumalate and the pimple outbreaks conlonise. I look into the mirror only to find this emo-satisfying demeanor that delinquished my once risible and jovial character.

I endeavor to stop clubbing for awhile. It might just shun away those bad influences and habits which i got hooked to and bring back my body clock to normal at least, taking away that patriotism to being nocturnal. Besides, the exams are nearing. Yes, i have to remind my dotage brain that the reason i came here is to study, not corrode my liver, pollute my lungs and eliminate my chances of living to a ripe old age.

The good thing is that i enjoy school. As contradicting as it sounds, yes i really do. And i finally got to play badminton after a million years. Gosh the racquet felt as rusty as an scrap metal.

I need optimism :(
Shall i ask for a deathwish?

Laters people.

2007-05-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

and i wish you were younger.

Yes, i havent blog for like centuries and eras. Was feeling ironically emo and lazy. And wait till you discover the amazing internet speeds Australia provides, relative to the price. I think my modem is made out of wood, transmitting date slower than me completing my homework. I paid $99 a month for wood. lol. What a turn off.

Ah recently, i turned into some hopeless shit. Its still hard to believe the transitions i went through in the past 2 months. I succumbed to peer pressure and influence. I contradicted my new year resolutions to the extreme. Doing everything against what little values i had last time. What happened to that top A student last year, who played sport for state and stayed conscious for punctuality and responsibility? What happened to that innocent little cheerful kid who did campaigns against smoking? Why did that self-confidence give in to superficiality and materialism? Why is there the soil of incompetence beneath my fingernails? Why does doubt paint blue rings beneath my eyes & stain my skin? Why does my spine assume failure? Where is the weapon with which i may fight this apathy?

I honestly... dont know. All i understood was that in the past few years, i was protected in a narrow environment, naive and condusive which made me crave and yearn for that freedom. And it is now which i realised, what that freedom has done to me, subtle but as potent as cyanide.

And i feel so much better after writing it out. I want all this to be transitory semblance. I guess i miss that discipline after all.

2007-02-13T13:40:00.000+08:00

Melbourne is a total contrast from perth. The distinct sight of everyone strolling around in an effortless mood just makes you want to follow the crowd. Watching office workers walk to and fro from work, students running late for classes, traffic jams at its minimal conditions, irregular alterations of weather and the obstreperous Chinese people in Chinatown just makes Melbourne a whole lot more interesting, leaving Perth in opprobrium. The only disadvantage is that the lifestyle in Melbourne is so urbanised and busy. Leaving no areas for me to seek solace in. Even the state library is as crowded as a wet market.

The name of streets are easy to memorise. Since they are named after famous people like King William and Queen Elizabeth. Which is perfect for people like me with a tint of amnesia and occasional blurness.

Food here is decent, due to the over population of PRCs and Hong kong citizens. Gosh, i have to brush up my Cantonese and start improving my linguistic skills if i endeavor to converse with them.

The churches are in abundance here. Just in the city alone, there are seven of them, which leaves me in dilemma on which one to go to. AND PLANETSHAKERS IS FROM HERE! And every service is like a concert can. Lol.

But no matter how good it gets here, home is still the best. Call me patriotic, i think i am. That government of ours, did his job well in militating us to love Singapore and serve the nation with all our hearts. Driving us with a competitive attitude, making us so damn kiasu. Till then, lets just hope he kicks the bucket soon and we might get someone better.

And all that writing and walking i did today is making me vapid with fatigue which drains me of my risible character. Laters people.

2007-01-26T19:07:00.000+08:00

THESE dreams,
As they say unrealistic and surreal,
Just like any other TV serial,
Why cant they come true?

Those dreams with me and you,
Sitting on the horizon that felt so cool,
Those dreams where we were like a pair of fools,
Those dreams, they are dreams afterall,
But they make me elated and filled with awe,
Its the only part of sleep which I dont consider a chore.

I think dreams are real,
Contradicting the conventional perceptions made by people,
I cant tell when Im dreaming,
No, not anymore.
When I am conscious with a conscience,
When I am half conscious with a dream,
It looked different,
Like darkness with a light beam,
But it felt the same,
As if black and white was a team.

I am confused within,
My emotions are churning,
My heart is burning,
Theres chaos nearing,
Based on my instincts,
Some one wake me up,
Not when September ends,
But when my dream concludes,
Bring me back to life, tell me whats real,
Draw a fine line between life and dreams with a colour of teal ,
Make those dreams memories,
For me to reminisce with ease,
And for all this I thank you with peace.

AND it was that moment
when we strucked up a rapport,
when we shared a common sentence,
and colluded our instincts with no patience,
keeping eye contact with less perseverance,
that made me infatuated with a whole lot difference.

and it was that moment
where i treated it as sentimental,
portraying the wrong vibes as if i was mental,
pondering longer than a burning candle,
drifting off with a subconscience dangling from a handle,
that made me infatuated with a whole lot difference.

and it was that moment
when i said the wrong words,
gave the wrong signals,
used the wrong actions,
felt the wrong feelings,
thought the wrong endings,
that made me infatuated with a whole lot difference.

and it was that moment where the infatuated difference,
took my everything with no resistance,
and left me walking in an immense sadness essence.

and this moment was when i met you.

I can awfully say i will miss you so bad when i head to Melbourne tomorrow. We didnt get the proper goodbyes, neither did we have a dinner. All we had were meagre talks like acquaintances. I had this feeling, things are not going my way. When you told me you didnt want to send off the wrong signals, i broke down beneath that paper smile expression on parade and dissimulated those emotions. I didnt show it, daunted by the further conflict it may have caused. Why am i so naive? I was pushing it, going out with you every day. I wonder sometimes, where do i stand and whether i even meant a thing to you.

Tuesday was perfect. Hanged out with Mabel, Alvin, Kleo, Cheryl, Zhuowei and Joanne. And it was a pity that the day had to end.

2007-01-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

New year celebrations was pretty cool. Attended this dinner at Pine Tree club and the MC was hilarious. He made everyone laugh their guts out with all his embarrassing jokes and comedious acts.The company was not too bad as i met some old friends from primary school. What was lacking i reckon is a good dinner which can fill those intestines up and create burps of satisfaction. I had so many regrets just before the countdown. And i couldnt stop thinking of the resolutions i was going to make. I cant believe i actually did some self reflection for once. Gosh, going through all my mistakes and laughing and some of them, rather enjoyable i must say. O well, time flies and its 2007 now. Might as well make the best of it right? hah.

Finally had dim sum with verillyn after 12937120718247120387 years of planning it. Lol. Ordered like everything on the menu and gosh it was crowded. We had to share a table with other people which felt rather uncomfortable but no choice la. She dared me to eat chicken feet and i have to say it was quite nice :) After that, i held a small gathering at my Sentosa house. The location was perfect because Alvin's boat harbour was just beside my condo and that means we went out to sea, photo-whoring and fishing. Had some drinks over at my house and played mahjong like finally after a year of procrestinating. Then verillyn left at around 9. After she left, we stoned infront of the TV set, watching MTV and rubbish serials till one in the morning. We felt hungry and thirsty. So i cycled with Kleo all the way to Palawan beach where we bought some drinks and food at the 7-11. When we came back, Alvin was pissed at Kleo due to a naive wallet hiding game. HAHAH, so he cycled home (30km), regretted his kuku decision, and cabbed back. Zzz. When he came back, we played blackjack and tai di till 6 in the morning. We then endeavored to catch the sunrise so we left on his boat again, this time rushing to catch some fish and the sun :D. Came back at 10am fully stoned, tired, smelly, lazy and contented. Jeanette and Zhuowei i think can be considered the best sleepers as they can sleep anywhere and anytime in any flexible yoga position. LOL. O well, it sure was a day and night well spent!

2006-12-27T22:26:00.000+08:00

Gosh time flies since my last entry. I cant be bothered penning down my thoughts in ascending dates and time frames, so i will just dig out random events from my dotage infected brain.

Canada was superb, besides their laid back lifestyle of "all work no play makes Jack a dull boy" kinda thing. And I realized the people there prefer to get their news and everything from the papers and TV rather than the surfing the turgid internet sites filled with slogans and cliches. Food over there is sensational as MacDonald's, I must say, serve LARGE AND SUPER LARGE portions of food compared to Singapore's old fashioned, big Mac meal upsized. They serve 4 patties of beef in a burger, which probably explains the difference of physical sizes between Asians and westerners and show just how many cows they have in the country side. Cows are not the docile, pleasant creatures of the pastoral idyll when they fart I tell you. These big giants can withstand cars hitting them and can give farts of carbon monoxide which stinks worse than any garbage dump combined. Okay enough about lifestyle and cows. I went skiing which was pretty good as the snow was thick and the staffs were so dam polite. We Singaporeans must learn man! Although the summit wasn't as cold as I expected, I had fun overall.
On the last 2 days of the trip, we crossed the United States border and that's where I did all my shopping. Yes, Ralph Polo shirts at $20, Calvin Klein apparel at $10. Nike dunks and Adi-Colour at $30. Thousand bucks well spent. Gosh, I wish things were just as cheap here. Though the putative currency for America is somewhat higher, prices still undercuts any GREAT Singapore sale by more than half. Finally after all the shopping, we checked-in 10 pieces of luggage and hand-carried 7. The plane flight was exhausting, due to the shortage of new movies and 18hours with nothing to do. Or maybe I frequent the Cineplexes one too many times. O well.

Christmas was pretty nonchalant and boring this year. Had a few guests over and mini parties which were overlooked by mum, meaning, NO FUN LA. Then the rain had to turn our sunny days into gloomy, cloudy and stormy ones. No matter how inexorable I wanted to swim and go out, it was bootless. I tried the rain dance, which sounds stupid but that was how desperate I became and the extent I went to but to no avail. On a lighter note, there were 2 fun things I did on Christmas though. One of them was fishing with friends at Sentosa. We waited like for 3 hours before we caught 2 fish. And then one jumped away into a crevice of rocks, which was a stupid decision since it was going to die anyway. The other unlucky fella got added to the dinner menu that night and complimented the sumptuous meal prepared. The second fun thing, was spending the first four hours of Christmas catching up with Momochan on the phone, something we finally did after 98079386423987642 years. Gosh, she never fails to make me laugh and amuse me with her weird noises. I love you babe. Heh!

On the contrary, Boxing Day was the saddest day which I wont bother explaining in order to reduce the sorrow that exacerbates my emotions and overall appearance. I still do not understand why you have to send that message straight after Christmas and put me in deprivation from the joyous celebrations. Neither do I understand why you made that decision when everything was going so well and smoothly. You shoot those words across so bluntly and critical, shocking me more than my mum giving me an ultimatum. You say it is some personal reason which you cannot share. What can be so personal that not even I cannot know? It was really a turn of tables as the contents of your messages were mushy hours before. Thank god my neighbour was there to mollify me, if not I would have turned my newly refurbished house into shreds and rubble.

I think I might die single too. Lets shake hands.

2006-12-07T15:31:00.000+08:00

awwwww, sugarrr.

2006-12-02T01:33:00.000+08:00

Just let me go please. And end this film playing in my head without sound, take the good times with you and crush the memories. Let me start over, afresh without you. Purge the reminiscing thats been going on for months and I shall put an end to the sacrifices made.

I used to love you but now its hate.

2006-11-30T15:04:00.000+08:00

Okay, update on my Singapore escapade so far. lol.

Friday.
Touchdown at 5p.m. Friends came over to pick me. Slapped me across the face and threw a few punches, jokingly of course though with a tad of sore bruises. Cabbed home with them and got rid of the distinctively heavy bags which were such a hindrance. Then cabbed to katong again, and guess where i went to? Right, cybercafe. Thanks to withdrawal symptoms. rofl. Played till dinner and went home reluctantly but obediently. Mood changed after that, pulled a smile off as i tried grandma's home cooked food for the first time in 3 months. Awwwww, that soup and braised duck is making me hungry. And the nocturnal life ensued after dinner with 10 hours on the computer.

Saturday.
Went out with friends to bugis. Wanted to catch a movie, timing was not to our favour and resulted us landing up in the cyber cafe again. (Whoever reads this will tell me to get a life right?) Played a couple of hours before joining mum and dad for a boxing match at Suntec Convention Centre. Pretty darn good and entertaining show it was, considering we got ringside seats. They bashed the shit out of each other and some played rather cheaply by going for the waist and below. The women were bloody hot. Okay, i shall not start on another hormones raging post as that practically and pretty much literally disturbed alot of people. Went home after that and crashed into slumber as i was dead beat.

Sunday.
Nothing much happened. Stoned at home with a sumptous breakfast that mum made. Went to our new Sentosa condo. The gym was small, nothing much to work out on. The pool was only 1.2m flat throughout which disallows diving. gosh. But anyhows, it was pretty prestigious. Gonna move there soon i think.

Monday.
Woke up, went out with friends to watch step up. Darn good show, an overall all rounder i must say. It was pretty touching, humourous and rather drama mama. Had dinner at Burger King after that. We sat behind this group of fine ladies and calvin kept staring at them, which made me interested and i accompanied him. zzz. Then we went to Zhuo wei's house for a sleep over. I went home and took some alcohol and joined them. You guys can go guess what i brought. We drank, chat and used the computer, until me and calvin got real drunk and started calling random people and swearing at them. Sorry kleo, fiona, amanda and whoever else that i called. Didnt mean it. I swear i wasnt in a right state of mind which allowed me to think straight. Thank god, the other two were sober and confiscated our phones from us as if we were kindergarden kids and told the people we prank called at 3 am that we were drunk. What a joke. Embarrassing can. So yea, fell asleep after that.

Tuesday.
Woke up at 7am after the drunk morning. Had a hangover. Head hurted like crazy. Blood was pumping irregularly with no adrenaline. I felt totally lethargic and was rejuvenated by a glass of choc milk. LOL. Went to cut and dye my hair. Gosh, my freaking hair turned out blonde. I had to re-dye it to a darker shade. I really looked like a gangster.roflmao. And when i dyed my hair, the stench from the dye was so untolerable till i had to clothes peg my nose and breathe through a mask. The bleach irritated my skin as well. Dam pain. But it was worth it la. Hurted my pocket a little bit though. Went back home and stoned the rest of the day off. Jasper came over and stayed. We went through the nocturnal life yet AGAIN. and slept till 3pm. hah.

Wednesday.
Okay, prom day today. Was pretty excited about it and yet again anxious from head to toe. Since i woke up at 3pm. And there was nothing to do, i got dressed and stoned around for awhile before booking my cab at 5.25 which was abit early and you can all call me kiasu. haha, when i arrived at swissotel, i saw Tessa chay and Charmant, standing there in totally contradicting attire to everyone else and me. They were in their short shorts and Tees. While i was in a suit. lol. Chatted with them for awhile before walking over to Raffles the Plaza and met Candice, Tanya and some familiar faces which i didnt know their names. They looked stunningly gorgeous with make up on with the long dresses and pointy heely shoes that made me looked short. Helped put the stuff in Kleo's room after and then went down to watch Alvin arrive in his ferrari. That rich bastard, arrived in class, wore a prada suit, a burberry belt, and brought his gucci wallet that has 700 bucks in it. After that, we went in together, everyone got seated, had a decent feast which did not really conquer our famishing tummies but what the heck. lol. Photo whoring started and finally the pretty dresses and the custom made suits were put to good use. Some games were hosted and it turned out pretty boring but o well, the company was great. Clare bear (lol) got prom queen. Xavier and Wayne got prom king. Yes, its a tie. Zzz. AND WANZHEN PREDICTED IT, by shouting WAYNvier before the voting ceased. hurhurhur. I think everyone was just looking forward to after prom. So i shall just fast forward. After prom, Alvin and me joined Kleo and co. in their room and we downed a bottle of Absolut. Jeanette were on par with us as she drank a cup. ahaha, then me and alvin joined some others for a midnight movie which was some christmas show called deck and halls. Was rather boring as it sounded more like a lullaby when i closed my eyes instead of a movie. After the movie, i intended to cab home as it was late. But out of no where, guess who called? Kleo Tan. Yes. She asked me to help bring the girls back to their rooms as they were drunk from the pub hopping. I went down and as the odds were like 9:1. I called Alvin and co. for backup and we managed to bring them safely to the rooms in expense and sacrifice of roudy noise levels and crying hangover girls. They wanted to continue clubbing at MoS and DXO if we didnt stop them. Wtf, its like asking to be raped, seriously. We compromised by walking to 7-11 and buy cheap low percentage alcohol and drink in the room. Barcadi Breezers are seriously no kick. zzz. Then the lot left and went back to their respective places while Alvin and me stoned in kleos room as we looked aimless into space making sure that the girls were okay till the morning. Finally, at 6am, We left the girls and cabbed home, weary and tired. I came home, took a nap and now i'm drinking. Kudos to me. Not all the details about the night are in here as i do not want to embarrass anyone. Ask those involved if you want to know lol. But yah, thats what happened briefly anyways.

Right, time to get changed as i rush off to a reunion dinner. Gosh, i am fcked with fatigue.

Alcoholic in the making signs off. Yawn.

2006-11-23T16:05:00.000+08:00

FINALLY ITS OVER!
GOODBYE ENGLISH,
MATHS CAN KISS MY ASS,
SAYONARA PHYSICS,
AND I AM OFFICIALLY DUMPING CHEMISTRY WHICH IS MY SO CALLED "GF".

Right now, all i am feeling is a certain elation which cannot be described due to the extreme rate of heart beats which may lead to a heart attack. hahahhhHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

SINGAPORE, HERE I COME BITCH! lol.

2006-11-20T19:55:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is A maths, its driving me up the wall in the heavens, pulling me down to the drains, crushing me with the tsunamis, surging me into the monsoons and suffocating me beneath earthquakes. And here i am worrying about other affairs instead of mugging anxiously for my weakest subject.

She was right, you dont see me as more than what we are now. The mere acquaintance that i was reduced to. Everything i did which was a tad related to you, i would think thrice to make sure i was doing the right thing, whether it would make you angry, disappointed, pissed off and so on and so forth. Thats because i care right? She said that no matter how much i cared, it will never be reciprocated. Which is true, now that i realised. I am on your sort of "x" list. Yes, blacklisted in other terms. Besides the main reason for a further education, i am going there for you. Is it going to be worth it? I would either go all the way or give up now. But what would happen if at the end of the long haul, nothing avails? That would be crushing. Half a decade would be an approximated length. Would i get a chance by then? Or see you walking away with some other guy? Maybe what she said made sense, that you were too young for this. Though it contradicts your maturity quite a bit.

It also happens to be such a coincidence that dilemmas like these surface from nowhere during my exam periods. Maybe because i get my brain thinking quite abit in the midst of End of Years.
Its so amazing how you torture me like this without even lifting a finger. I take my hat off you.

But its things like these which makes love sound so cliche.

gosh, first its chemistry, now its gonna be Amath.

2006-11-17T18:51:00.000+08:00

Just four more papers to go. Two maths, economics and my gf. Lol. English was surprisingly easy whilst physics was just the most screwed up paper so far. I did not have enough time and i made so many careless errors.

And next friday will be elation. Touchdown, go back home, turn on the aircon, turn on the computer, change, go out, come back, drink till i am drunk and hangover with friends who are coming over for a sleepover. O, i cant wait.

could we still be best friends like before? Oneitis is just such a bad thing.

2006-11-13T16:02:00.000+08:00

PERTH is so darn freaking burning exhaustingly hot. Temperatures have been skyrocketting as if the city was flooded with molten lava and vapour. I dont see any clouds ANYWHERE. Its probably blown away to Singapore or something. That bright yellow disgusting, sunflower-looking, skin penetrating, cancer causing ball of fire hanging up there is killing everyone. Thank god i can hibernate in my room with a bag of chips with 2 litres of ribena. hahahhaa. Should i ever walk out, i'll be disintegrated for sure. (right fiona?lol.) Now thats a reason for my nocturnal living.

ELEVEN MORE DAYS!! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2006-11-11T18:12:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIONAPHOON! Finally one year older heh. <34567891011121314151617181920. lol.

Gosh, the past few sleepless nights were terrible. I think my insomnia is back, shaking hands and making friends with the heat that Perth has succumbed to. Its like having Singapore temperatures and late nights with nothing to do. Every night as i lie on my bed trying to get to slumber, i close my eyes, count sheep, pray, toss and turn but never seem to enter a dream. Opening those weary eyelids every few minutes to see how much time has passed. Hence, the wan and febrile expression worsening with fatigue, turning my sunny Saturday into a gloomy and "pms-ed" one.

Thanks to soccer again, i injured my knee while tripping over some copse and shrubs. Its just such an unfortunate game which i seem to enjoy. =/

AND in 13 days, i am coming home to Singapore. No, i dont have that patience to watch another second tick. But then again, this year went pass swiftly. FOUR terms of school and homesick-ness i survived. Its unbelievable when i look back and reminisce. All that prevaricating and white lies i told my teachers, the countless harangues during assembly by the principal, the solicitous teachers which are contradictingly pains in the ass and lascivious parties which no one could get enough of. We adolescents are just indomitable, with all that hormones and impulsiveness. Just like a raging bull with no brains. Lol.

Right, time to wrap up my philosophical essay which has a title thats good enough to obfuscate you before your brain conjures an introduction. Its just not viable but i'll try. =D

Have a good one people.

2006-11-09T21:06:00.000+08:00

YAY! Someone returned my phone to the lost and found. Thank god. My prayers were answered. hahahhaha.

2006-11-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

Okay, the last post was a raging hormones post, according to Venn. Lol. An explanation would be that i am in a boys school. But its a good thing also what. I mean, that shows i'm not gay. hahahhahaha.

TODAY WAS THE SHITTEST DAY. I LOST MY HANDPHONE. Whoever that take it better be honest, or i'll curse him with every single Harry Potter spell and a few of my own.

Right now, all i'm thinking is what mummy is gonna say, because, honestly, i've never lost anything before. That excludes friends though =/ .

"Son, why you so careless?" or
"See la, serves you right!" or
"I dont know how to explain to your dad, you go tell him yourself." or
"Good, now you have one less distraction and i can save myself a phone bill." or
"Why cant you be more responsible? How to trust you with money in the future if you are like that?" or
"I told you so many times, take care of your things, this is what happens when you dont listen."

Zzz.

All you are doing is revolving in circles and then back to scratch. What do you want? Attention? or are you just a plainly wasting my time?

Catch me, or i'll be gone.

2006-11-05T19:47:00.000+08:00

That silky long black hair, moving with the breeze,
those seductive brown eyes, capturing my glances,
those rosy radiant cheeks, gleaming under the sun,
the sweet smile, with the glossy lips and whitened teeth,
that soothing angelic voice as i asked you for the time,
the smooth sexy legs, moving graciously as you cat-walked past,
the meandering curves, all at the right places,
covered by a pink bikini, gosh i bet its a C cup.

And its a pity i did not ask for her number though we coincidently walked past four times in a one acre theme park.

Awwww, beauteous, hot, gorgeous, sexy, ravishing, splendiferous, sweet, elegant, seductive, dazzling, angelic, ideal, lovely, attractive, refined, resplendent, pretty, appealing, admirable, bewitching, alluring, grand, charming, nice, classy, enticing and exquisite.

What can i say? Just plain eye candy. I reckon she should apply for FHM or Maxim. But then again, she's just another young lass in the vicinity.

Tell me your name and your school please, and i'll promise to be your stalker.

Okay, enough of Miss 5th November.

The weekend was rather rubbish mainly because of a pointless, ridiculous arguement with an idiot in charge of my gay hostel. He spoilt my weekend. Yes he did. Can i take him to court and sue him please. Must compensate my precious weekend leh. WHICH is so LIMITED and short. We should actually all go to school on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. AND then have the weekend which is Monday through Thursday. Now how fun will that be?

A trip to the theme park lifted my spirits. The bikini clad ladies, showing off their bodies just like a fashion show. So that cured my myopic eyes which were painfully looking at the computer screen and textbooks throughout the week. Thank god i didnt get sun burnt. The roller-coaster ride drove my gut up. Laugh at me please. Because i stupidly, unconsciously, ignorantly went to sit on that roller-coaster 15 minutes after my lunch. I dont think i need to explain the consequences. roflmao.

So thats it for my last weekend of fooling around and carefree play. AS next week, is the finale. The exams are finally here! HOORAY! my ass. I have to painstakingly excel and kick ass like all of you back home though i dread it to the core.

Mummy, i know you read occasionally. If you see this, please make sure my post exam holidays in Singapore is as enjoyable as ever please. I promise to STUDY real real hard. I made Chemistry my girlfriend already, so thats a start. Lol.

I'm the next prodigy. HAHAHAHA, i wish.

2006-11-04T17:49:00.000+08:00

No way am i going to take this f**king shit. The more you try to stop me, the more i will defy. I swear that my first paycheck will be spent on arsoning your f**king souls. I'll make sure i incernerate them beyond recognition, condemn them to hell and purge them into oblivion. I'll make sure not one granule of dust from your bodies exist. Just becuase you are incharge of this f**king shit hole hostel, doesnt mean you can do anything you want. Saying you have your responsibilities and its your job to overlook my actions. Bullshit. You f**king hypocrite.
Want me to apologise? Screw yourself, loser.

Whoever i have offended with my explicit language, please excuse me. If i dont vent it here, he might land up in hospital you know.

2006-11-02T21:25:00.000+08:00

I cant believe i confused myself with applications of integrations and struck up a rapport with my chemistry textbook which was more than that of mere classroom acquaintances.
I think i'll fail the essay section for chem. Because there is no way i am going to etch a whole text book of chapters into my brain in order to provide a contemporaneous account of organic chem, atom structures, bla bla bla.
Maths is just brain hemmorage. Driving me nuts with unexplainable problems. But the answers at the back somehow gives me a relief. =/
To conclude, i love lit and economics.

And i just realised chayyy is super straightforward. Straightforwardness is boring okay. lol.

2006-10-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

And i hate the manifestation of anger in me which leads to the vindictive hatred and pathetic-ness of not being able to cool down in a respired state. Studying just aggrevated my condition and made it worse.

To you-know-who-you-are(fp):
I am seriously confused, and i dont know where this is heading to. The words you say, do you mean it in that way? Are you thinking what i'm thinking? I really dont wanna get the wrong idea about anything and lose you as a friend as well.

2006-10-29T11:36:00.000+08:00

Went to the city yesterday, or should i say, cybercafe. Played around for a couple of hours to kill time, ate a reasonably priced sumptous meal and trotted back to my so called "home". This home is so not adequate. I think even the people in prison get better food and a choice that is. Its so controversial, seriously. I bet i could write a facile 2000 word essay on every flaw and extraneous detail. Thats how bad it is, perorated into a sentence. See, i''m so nice and considerate, i save everyone time and agony from reading 2000 words which will probably just make them lose their apetite as well.

And i think i am having hypnagogic hallucinations of the people in the hostel driving me up the wall. What a phenomenon, zzz.

On a lighter note, here's a dilemma to indulge in. Why is it that aesthetic values have always been deprecated by social moralists, from Plato through our current campus Puritans?
ah, i wonder.

2006-10-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

2 weeks of school have past. It was dreadful and considering i am rather recalcitrant, i nearly died. Suddenly i had a swarm of tests and exams to mug for, piles of homework which were procrestinated from last term, antagonizing teachers chasing me everywhere and a whole new "alien" surroundings to adapt myself to. Thank god my peers are studying for O levels and i am not the only one enduring this seemingly impossible challenge.

And i dont know why i am here standing up against everything i have to do, whining like some bitch, openly obstreperous and hateful. Shouldnt i be counting my blessings and thanking god that i have the chance to acheive my endeavors abroad?

Okay, that was rhetorical. Excuse my ranting. Foul moods are becoming a part of me these days. Now let me be an examplar and start studying like all good boys do. Hurhur.

And i miss that wonderful caricature of intimacy.

Ciao.

2006-10-23T20:08:00.000+08:00

i love eff pee.

2006-10-16T02:07:00.000+08:00

The choice is yours baby. Make the right one.

2006-10-13T13:10:00.000+08:00

And i define us as a quadratic graph, you on one end, me on the other
we both running on forever
waving our goodbyes to one another
never parallel, never perpendicular
its two different directions which makes it even sadder
just like how asymtopes are undefined on the calculator.
One day i'll turn around,
and chase you like theres no other.
The thing is that,
will you run even faster?
or wait for me and take a breather?

But my mind is warped by all these unforseen circumstances. All i see in 10 years time is woodbridge hospital. Thats if, IF, this carries on. tsktsk.

2006-10-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

I've got a crush.
I'm crushing.
I'm crushed.
=/

2006-10-10T10:52:00.000+08:00

That tone of voice was dam daunting and intimidating. I swear i wont call again unless you ask me to.

But i thought things were going to be the same as before. Gosh i'm dreaming.

You drifted from a friend to a stranger. Or was it me that drifted?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINETTE TAN. Nice house you have :)

2006-10-09T20:59:00.000+08:00

The weekend was crap besides the cycling. I didnt sleep on sunday night either. Thanks to dad, waking me up at 6.45am in the morning to play golf. zzzz considering i slept at 5 because of dota.

Date with Fiona went well. She rejuvenated me with sour sweet sorbet ice cream. lol and we got approached by a modelling agency asking us to model. I was so wtf. hahahaha then we watched Scoop! Some retarded-ly hliarious movie that i recommend.

In the end i got lost in dhoby ghaut mrt. laugh at me please. zzz stupid harry potter hogwart school-like escalators, up and down, short and long, all over the place. I pity the tourists.

Okay i am so efffing tired. good night everyone.

2006-10-06T11:00:00.000+08:00

Wow, i cant believe it. My past few days were spent infront of the monitor that pixelates my daily indulgence of computer games, blog hopping and random shit. Actually its not surprising, since most of you know i am a geek. Well not to that extent, dont go there yet, just an addict will do. Its the holidays and i am supposed to be out, enjoying Singapore's sumptous food and "perfect" weather, chilling(perspiring) with friends and changing my wardrobe with a lil retail therapy.

So why am i not? Let me say it again, i'm blaming the muggers and not my lazyness. But its not their fault, its not like they want to mug do they? So if i cant blame them, then blame who leh? Who is to blame for this studious impact on playful students? Ministry of education? Or not, they were just doing their job, setting the standard in Singapore. Some one enlighten me here. I am not going out and i cannot blame it on anyone and that is so sad can.

My grandma says i need to change my incorrigible immature ways and start behaving like i'm 16. She said i should stop jumping into the kitchen and scaring the daylights out of her everyday, start studying and expanding my general knowledge instead of touching the computer which is a menace, improving my technical efficiency of time, sleeping at the right hours instead of my nocturnal and insomaniac lifestyle, go find a job in Singapore and lastly, SHE EMPHASISED SO DRASTICALLY THAT I HAVE TO PUT IT IN CAPS, NOT TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND TILL I AM 18. Gosh, now that was a lecture from a 68 year old woman which lasted a decade and it was in chinese nagging style. Authentic one okay. With the typical slang and the life drained voice. I could tell it was said with love tho. So its okay, but still have sympathy for me please.

What is wrong with them man. No wonder the homosexuality rate has multiplied. Just hope Justin doesnt turn gay. And PM LEE says, "GAY is OKAY". Yet he wants a baby boom, his policies, so contradicting. Really nothing to say. After Lee Kuan Yew who is probably gonna kick the bucket in another 10 odd years, we have Lee Hsien Loong. Sian, all the Lee's, here we go all over again.

2006-10-04T21:57:00.000+08:00

So you changed your number.
Dont worry, i wont go looking for it.
Cause i know you dont want me to know.
Its good enough that you're talking to me already.

2006-10-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

I take my words back. I have nothing to do the past two days but annoy venesse chiang at work. zzz.

2006-10-02T02:06:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why my parents militate against every decision i feel like making. Everything i say, they have the right to veto. Even if i think its right and not riduculously wrong. Of course if i wanna kill myself then ya, they are right to stop me. BUT I AM NOT STUPID RIGHT.

I tell you, they have made enough decisions for me already. I am not telling them to NOT care, i'm just telling them to back off a lil. Maybe my decisions are ostensible and unsafe, but still i will never know till i MAKE a wrong decision and REGRET right? Isnt that how people LEARN? LEARNING from your MISTAKES?

So what if i wanna go clubbing? Why cant i? Exams will be over by then. I'm not mixing with the wrong crowd. I dont take drugs. I dont smoke. I am not a gangster.

Its not as if i am some improvident, reckless and oblivious rascal that patronise and frequent these hangouts ever so often without considering the consequences right? Yea sure, there maybe some risks. Some misunderstandings, some fights and whatever. But isnt everything you do in your daily livelihood containing risks? You driving your car to work everyday, not a risk?

I am a teenager you know. Not your 12 year old rectangular baby faced plumpy cheeks boy anymore. You dont understand do you? Over protective is the word. You say your parents didnt care last time. Now you care too much. Are things becoming the opposite due to the upbringing of generations? Arent holidays supposed to be fun and taking a break from the routine?

When i challenge you and argue, thinking i have a fair case, you put me down by reminding me last time your parents didnt care. Saying its not safe. Saying this. Saying that. Including every single minor and mundane detail, just to deter and drag the debate. Looking at things from a damned negative and pessimistic point of view instead of the boons. Then you call on him, who aids you like a backup and it becomes a two-on-one case with injustice shown. And then throwing a ultimatium saying, who's the parent, who has the final say, you wanna listen to me a not, not happy go change parents la and all that crap sentences reused over my past decade of upbringing.

Gosh i give up. I guess i will just have to wait till 21?

10 years later i really wanna look back and see that i enjoyed my teenage life and childhood. The social aspects of my childhood was pretty screwed up despite phases of it. Is history going to repeat it self? Or is this just deja vu?

Sedate me please, before every single nerve gets on me and my blood boils to molten hot vapour.

2006-09-30T21:51:00.000+08:00

So yes i took a short hiatus from blogger because of school. But i'm back.

Holidays have ensued. That means, Justin is online, playing, alive, kicking and not to be mentioned, studying. Food in Singapore was nonetheless fantastic, leaving Perth's rubbish food in opprobrium. The rain was crazy as i cycled to pick up a friend, drenching me from head to toe, seeping inexorably into my skin. But no hypothermia, so still alive la. Had a few drinks after that, feeling abit giddy, as if i was affected with vertigo.

To conclude and cut a long story short, this holiday in singapore is getting better despite my anticipation and prescient view of a shitty holiday due to the mass of muggers.

Laters.

2006-09-28T17:44:00.000+08:00

To achieve an "A" in English, students have to critically analyze an extensive range of demanding texts, recognizing how they project and reflect socio-cultural values, attitudes and assumptions and how viewers are positioned and their interpretations are shaped, and adopt critical frameworks to analyze complex visual texts.

This will be evident when students comprehend and interpret highly complex and unusual conventions and allusions and demonstrate sensitivity to cultural nuances; discern subtle or complex generic patterns, speculate on the deeper social, political or cultural purposes texts may serve; ex plain how texts and viewers may use contextual and inter-textual knowledge and speculate on how this affects meanings and responses; discuss how texts depart from, blend, subvert or disrupt generic and ideological conventions, suggesting reasons for and possible effects of this and synthesize ideas and information from a number of texts, identifying and taking account of differences in purpose, audience and context, identify contradictions, inconsistencies and silences within texts, critique and evaluate texts in a variety of ways using different critical frameworks or criteria.

I deduce that the first step to getting an "A" is comprehending the load of twaddle up above which is so in seemingly not viable. I wonder how the Australians achieved it as if it was pronouncing their ABCs. It's like I read their essays, compare it to mine and go WTF. Content wise, length, vocabulary, I was gob smacked. Or should I just be contented and sit on my "cool" (sarcasm) "B" grade.
I think it's a good idea to seek solace in the library like what she did. I shall endeavor to do that over the holidays though I don’t have the initiative to do it. Tsk. But then again, my whole cohort is stressing out for O's. Now that’s what I call motivation. Justin studying? Interesting. I'm the next prodigy. LOL.

Laters.

2006-09-21T22:24:00.000+08:00

HELLO I'M FIONA AND JUSTIN WANTS ME TO BLOG ABOUT HOW SINGAPORE IDOL SUCKS. OKAY SO,

JUSTIN SAYS "SINGAPORE IDOL SUCKS COS THERES HADY MIRZA. SINGAPORE ROCKS COS THERES FIONA PHOON AND ETC"
YAYNESS (:

HAHAHAHH
I LOVE MY ICE CREAM BOY :D
see you after 6 oct

edit: can i have that absolut vodka ? :D /end

2006-09-19T19:12:00.000+08:00

Highlight of the day: Justin got hit in the face by a ball and sort of had a concussion. Hurhur.

3 more days to the weekend and 10 days to Singapore. I'm getting impatient here. RAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Serene helped me conjure up science summaries! As in, she literally wrote it for me. That saves me two topics of time wasting, good-for-nothing, ink-using, tree killing and nerve racking notes. Thanks Serene! lol, you too free.roflmao.

2006-09-18T20:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder what i'll be when i grow up. Should i be some erudite engineer working for some globalised company? A private banker? A business man? A gambler? A writer with less of a fanfaronade?

Such a tough choice i tell you. Especially when there is a vast variety of jobs categorised like different genres of music. Competition is another factor too.

Dad nags, " Nowadays arh son, one job got few hundred people going for it. They will only take the best of the best. You know a not! Better go and work on your general knowledge and study more la. Dont whole day computer computer. I tell you arh, the computer is a menace. One day, i will throw your labtop away." hahaha, he makes me laugh sometimes.

New skin, barely anyone can comprehend and navigate. sian. =/ Complicated meh? lol.

She's being, in fact, a rather staid singaporean of mild habits and genteel aspirations.

Laters.

2006-09-17T22:49:00.000+08:00

Went to the cybercafe the whole day. Chilled with friends. Stoned the whole night. Sundays are boring.

2006-09-16T19:15:00.001+08:00

I need a getaway place. Somewhere deep into the horizon in some unknown valley. Somewhere where i could be alone in solitude. Somewhere near a riparian area where I'm closest to nature. Somewhere far away from the boarding house which i live in, far away from the tetchy and irritating people, far away from the never-ending nagging and most of all far away enough for me to erase her from my mind. She was nice i must say, her tolerant personality and her calm attitude towards predicaments of all sorts. She emphasised forgiveness. Her beauty was mesmerising, just like a stunning masquerade. That smile on her face, which blew me off my feet and made my days as if it was no feat. Afterall, i crossed the line, i was in the wrong. There's no point reminiscing anymore. I have to move on. She detests me. I offended the queen.

Its sad how things end this way, i thought we could last. This is my fault. I am to blame. I made this transitory. Regrets just come too late dont they? I miss the ephemeral joys of childhood. The times where you have no responsibilties, the times when you dont have to care, the times when you are forgiven even if you dont adhere to the rules.

Eradicate my conscience, undo my fallacies and let me start over.

2006-09-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

momochan is forever love.

2006-09-14T22:56:00.000+08:00

All i have left is memory lane. You are right. I can only reminisce. I'll have to move on yeh?

2006-09-13T18:24:00.000+08:00

and what did i do wrong now?
Why cant i be imperfect just like how you see everyone else?
Am i not allowed to make mistakes?
Why...

2006-09-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

16 more days. hang in there.

2006-09-11T17:15:00.000+08:00

Time flies, everything happens so fast. With a blink of an eye, my birthday is gone, the weeks of salutary events are history and everything becomes reminiscences. My exams are looming. The deadlines of assignments are imminent. The homework is piling. I cant procrastinate anymore. No more merriment. No more nonsense. No. Not for another two months. This is dreadful.

I miss the idling free time and most of all, momochan.

2006-09-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

Are you just plain busy or do you really hate me that much.
Get me out of this melancholy.

2006-09-09T11:54:00.000+08:00

Party last night was boffo. The dance floor was annihilated by the girls with their sexy figures, dancing like its their last. The lacking thing, was alcohol. Without it a party is never a party. But o wells, I'm UNDERAGED right. What to do. I might get diabetes too, due to the overdose of free flow soft drinks I consumed. So cliche.

Nevertheless, there was a little caricature of intimacy (reminds me of Panic! At the disco). I missed afters which is kind of sad.

Hostels and boarding houses are prisons indeed. Its as if I'm in a ghetto or some prisoner of war. Reduced to solitary confinement and isolation. I envy the freedom the daygirls and boys get. Partying every night. wa lao. JEALOUS can.

I'm so happy today, we got 2nd in the volleyball competition today. Hence, we can play in the finals tomorrow. And i'm gonna try out for the state team.

Till then, i'll endeavour to ace my exams. Parties over. EOY's here.

laters.

2006-09-08T11:52:00.000+08:00

she is fine. thats nice to hear.

2006-09-07T20:51:00.000+08:00

Things are getting better. Or maybe i'm adapting faster? Which ever it is, my mood is a rising pennant now. Lets just hope it stays that way. But again, what goes up must come down right? which is a pity i must say.

I got a detention from English lit today. For not handing my essay in on time. AND DURING THE DETENTION I HAD TO WRITE AN ESSAY ON, "why i must be organised for English". I tell you, detentions are boring and unnecessary. They add to your workload, subtract your free time, multiply your misery and divide your attention. They say the point of detentions is for you to reflect on your mistakes so you wont do it again. You know, all i had during that time was hatred and resent for my teacher instead of the remorse and the apologetic effect. I pratically ridiculed her in my so called essay, saying that i had to be organised because she asked me to and if she wasnt my teacher, i wouldnt give a damn.

Awww, did your phone ran out of credit? I so wanna talk to you like the old times.

Without you, i'm incomplete and lonely.

2006-09-06T17:24:00.000+08:00

So it got replaced. Does that mean i'm forgiven? or does that mean, i'm forgotten?
i've got my fingers crossed.

2006-09-05T08:23:00.000+08:00

All the hunger, all the yearning
With the lifeline that you're burning
Poison lessons that you're learning
The road ahead is turning

Suicidal education
It got sold to our generation
Wake up to the manipulation
Wake up to the situation.

Like Bryan said, army is a good thing sometimes. Gets your mind off the essays, maths, sciences and propaganda which is an invalid epistemological pedagogy most of the time. The nerve recking thousand word essays, the page long maths questions, the never ending unexplainable science problems and worst of all, the uncanny teachers that we have to put up with.

Speaking of school, i'm late for class. Time for emphirical formulas and titrations. Such a pain in the ass i tell you. Come on my peers in my cohort, agree with me in unison please. O's are frustrating eh eh?

2006-09-04T16:35:00.000+08:00

Let's rearrange,
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage,
Just say that we agree and then never change,
Soften a bit until we all just get along,
But that's disregard,
Find another friend and you discard.

I never knew,
I never knew that everything was falling through,
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue,
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth,
But that's how it's got to be,
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy,
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see,
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears.

And suddenly I become a part of your past,
I'm becoming the part that don't last,
I'm losing you and its effortless,
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground,
In the throw around,
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down,
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves.

2006-09-03T10:43:00.000+08:00

and i need to get my mind off things.

2006-09-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

I really miss the kisses you blow,
the hugs you're going to give,
the messages you send,
the hours we spend together,
the outings we had,
the pictures we took,
the smiles you showed,
the retarded-ness we shared,
the nicknames we gave each other,
the role of "mummy" which you played,
the motivation you gave me when I sucked at math,
the blog tags that show you cared,
the testimonials that make my days,
the chats on MSN where we catch up on everyday in the late afternoons,
the funny pitched voices we create,
and the love you showed to me as a friend.

I want to be the justin you always loved,
the buddy that perk your days up when you're down,
the dear friend which you spend nights talking to,
the hot thing you always missed badly,
the justin you trusted,
the justin that looks up to you like a sister,
the justin that entertains you,
the justin that you keep in your prayers,
the creature you always call,
and the last person which you will block or ignore.

Instead of reciprocating to what she did for you, you didn't stand up for her, you made rash decisions for her, you disrespected her, you breached her trust, and you lied. You're the most foolish asshole on planet earth Justin Tan. You selfish brat. You took things for granted. You didn't appreciate everything she did for you. Did you even consider how she felt? You took advantage of it. Instead of admiting, you even tried to argue and deny. This offence is worse then 1st degree murder. There! You see what you have done? You're gonna face the consequences now. She says she doesnt care anymore, high possibility she hates you forever. You dont even have her as a friend now. You lost EVERYTHING. You deserve it. Its worse then a life sentence. It's a life sentence with TORTURE. Cry till you bleeed dry, its no use. Apologise till your voice goes hoarse, she is not convinced. Ask for forgiveness till the end of time, you still won't get it. This offence is irreversible. She's the jury, theres the verdict. Now accept it. Whether you move on or not, she left a mark etched in your soul. This is the biggest sin you have made this year and possibly in your life time.

Watch your thoughts; they become words,
Watch your words; they become actions,
Watch your actions; they become habits,
Watch your habits; they become character,
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I have to tell you I feel the pain. It's like a knife stabbed through. It's like my heart gave way. It's like a feeling you get on your death bed. Yes, I'm feeling it now. The sleepless nights and the fatigue taking its toll on me. The distracted concentration I get. Everything is affected. It's too late for regret. I understand now. You must be feeling worse, being a casualty and a victim of my actions. I don't blame you for being angry at me and ignoring me. You have the right to. I have no one to blame but myself. I hurt you. Though you were so nice to me. I did a self reflection. Looking back, as I replayed the events in my mind, it was not worth it. As I ponder, I cannot imagine myself doing this to you. I had no reason to. Even if I had to do this, you would be the last person I would have done it to. Best friends like you don't come by everyday. I don't know myself anymore. I can’t even explain my own actions. WHY? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?
I have been praying and I will continue. The lord will help. My faith is in him no matter what.

Dear god, I pray that she will forgive me someday. I pray that you will forgive my sins as I promise to repent. I pray that you will give me a second chance to redeem myself. I will count my blessings and not take things for granted any more. I pray that I can be her best friend again. Lord, please guide me through my wrong-doings and mistakes, grant me the intelligence to make things right. Give me the strength to live through this with hope and regret. I thank you for letting her enter my life, changing me for the better. She made me realise how important friends are, how fragile things can get, how important it is to be honest, how hurtful words can be, how to look on the bright side of life and most of all, how despicable is it to play with people's feelings. She enlightened me in many ways. She picked out my good points and praised them. Lord, please bless her too and give her the motivation she needs to do well in her exams, give her the trust she needs from a real friend, and give her strength to carry on, protect her from harm and give her bliss. Lastly, I thank you for giving me the wonderful family I have, granting them safety and peace. Amen.

For now, everything is ruined. The plans to go to Sentosa together, the plans to hang out everyday in the holidays, the blogskin you're gonna help me do after O's, the idea of going to Japan together, the parties after prom and the clubbing we intended to go. The consequences are harsh.

I wish I could be just so perfect like you. Mature, pretty, outstanding and all. Living the perfect life, making the right decisions, thinking long term and knowing what's best. But wishes are just wishes. Its sad how I don't believe in them anymore.

This post is the true me. I wrote this with open feelings and remorse. I meant every word I said. I took every point and fact or factor into consideration. Even your feelings.

I finally realise the importance of what my mother always says, "Regret is always too late."

I am left with nothing. My once colourful and blooming world is now nothing but as dead as no man's land. I am too ashamed to face you. So why am I not writing my will and making these my last words? I guess this has not overtaken my fear for death. But it will soon. If not for god and that, I would not have pulled through. I am such a wimp. Just 4 days and I'm thinking of suicide.

When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rocknroll me when I am dead.

2006-09-01T19:00:00.000+08:00

i'll do anything to reconcile with you.

2006-08-31T18:21:00.000+08:00

please turn back time. please please someone. or is it too late for regret? We all make mistakes. I guess i just made an irreversible one. So this is how it ends. All because i was trying to cover up. I failed.

2006-08-31T08:17:00.000+08:00

As the walls of my world come crashing down.
Split screen sadness.

2006-08-30T20:13:00.000+08:00

forgive and forget, is what i say when i regret.

2006-08-29T18:39:00.000+08:00

Here's a quiz, you're allowed only 3 minutes. time yourself.

1) Some months have thirty days, some have thirty-one days, how many have twenty eight days?

2) If you had one match and entered a dark room where there was a oil lamp, oil heater and some kindling wood, which would you light first?

3) If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half hour, how long would they last?

4) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but nine die. How many did he have left?

5) Take two apples from three apples. What do you have?

6) Divide 30 by 1/2 add 10. What is the answer?

7) If you drove a bus with 42 people on it from perth and stopped at Darwin to pick up 7 more and drop off 5 passengers and at Queensland drop off 8 and picked up 4 and arrived at Sydney 9 hours later, what is the drivers name?

8) How many animals of each species did Moses take on the Ark?

Enjoy! tag, msn, email me the answers thanks.
tanja@wesley.wa.edu.au
siaoness@hotmail.com

2006-08-29T00:39:00.000+08:00

Here's a story which i just chanced upon,

Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only thepassion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn'tso old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report cardthat's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!

How nice and shocking?!?!?! ahahhaa.

2006-08-28T00:30:00.000+08:00

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine.
I can make it nice and naughty
With the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do Maybe
I'm perfect for you

Excuse me for feeling
This moment is critical
Might be we're feeling
We could get physical
Oh no
No, no.

2006-08-27T11:59:00.000+08:00

Now hear this shit,

"What did you learn at school today?" That's what the teachers used to say. But they don't know, don't understand, do they? Why do they always give advice saying, "Just be nice, always think twice". When it's been a long time since they had a teenage life.

Dwelling on the past, from back when I was young, thinking of my school days and trying to write this song Classroom schemes and dreams, those girls I'd serenade. Thinking of those sixth form chicks that misbehave, hoping that those days would go on and on forever. Every day something new happens.

I remember friends running together and suddenly school ends and your teenage life gone. All your mates are growing up now. They're moving on and now I'm looking back I'll tell you what I know, do you listen to your teacher? No I don't think so, "What did you learn at school today?" That's what the teachers used to say, but they don't know, don't understand do they? Why do they always give advice saying, "Just be nice, always think twice" When it's been a long time since they had a teenage life.

And if you give the kids time, together they will shine. And if you treat the kids fine, they won't do the crime. Now my bad old ways were during my school days, messing on those grade A's. My life is just a haze. I'm going through the struggle Five ten and kicking back.

Sounds like a message for my parents in a way. but happy teachers day in advance. Hopefully they will understand us better as the years go by.

momochan is love.

2006-08-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

a reaction that didnt turn out the way i expected.

sorry, i dont know you well enough. maybe thats why.

i wont do it again. promise.

2006-08-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

"Remember, remember, the fifth of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot."

A Latin quotation. A motto. "Vi veri veniversum vivus vici." "By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe."

Happiness is the most insidious prison of all.

"He that killeth with the sword, shall be killed with the sword."

My love... Ave Atque vale...

Perfect phrases from "V for Vendetta"

2006-08-23T19:44:00.000+08:00

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all part of the choices that you make
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we singIf it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening in
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we singIf it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again

2006-08-22T07:41:00.000+08:00

O mum and dad
please dont be so mad
please stop fighting as you make me sad
curse and swear as you fret
insult and shout as if you never cared
but just make sure they're sweeping statements in the end
filled with no hatred but regret.

Dad, you're such a coward, shirking your responsibilities. I feel so ashamed after all these years looking up to you as a father figure. You telling me not to give up, saying that i should face up to my mistakes and not run away from them, drilling into me the importance of taking responsibilites for my own actions etc. I was about to commend you for being the best dad ever. But i think i'll take that back. After all, who's the one giving up huh? I was shocked from that immature and superficial retort that you shouted. All that bullshit about i dont care what happens to the family anymore, do what ever you want with your lives and if you fail its not my problem. What the fuck happened to you? You high on drugs? I still cant believe that you make such foolish decisions. For once, i can tell you that your judgement SUCKS. You sounded like some 5 year old talking nonsense when you're 50. Misusing vulgarities to out talk me isnt gonna help much is it? Insulting mum for failing as a mum, telling me to go fuck up my life if i want and telling Angel to never bother you again for help isnt gonna make things better is it? You know somthing? Given your current circumstances, if it wasnt for Austin, you wouldnt even be considered a fucking dad at all. REMEMBER the only god damn reason why i am still calling you dad is because you still care about Austin. Yes, i mean it. Get that embedded in your head please. So what next? You gonna walk out on the family? Quibble over some stupid fucked game called golf? Get a divorce? Womanise? Start gambling? Wake up your ideas. What happened to the dad i knew? Did he get banished into oblivion or what? Its because of all that forcing me to do this and do that which made me what i am today. Its because of you that i am cultured and civilised unlike some street gangster smoking dope and doing drugs. No matter how reluctant i was, in the end when i look back, there were no regrets. And now you're not gonna care anymore? you know what, you need a brain wash.fuck you.

Mum, you're the best. Its not your fault. You did not fail as a mum. I love you.

Angel you stupid girl, shouting at dad over some wine bottle? You seriously need anger management. Just because he asked you to take some wine bottle from the fridge for him and its disrupting your dinner, you whine and scream like some irritant. I dont see a point in you doing that, YOU barely even eat 2 spoonfuls of rice. Hows that disrupting? You seen what you just caused? Can you see the whole family falling apart? kudos to you. You told him not to bother you anymore? Fine, now he really wont bother you. Neither will you bother him too. He doesnt care anymore. So you think you're 12 years old and you can take care of yourself? You dont need a dad anymore? Where's your respect to your elders? AND now you wont even apologise? Let down your ego and remorse la. Dont be a dimwit. Put down your pride for once. I know you dont like losing. I have been giving in to you for the past 12 years. This is so gonna affect your PSLE no matter how smart you are. You ignited this shit. Go clean it up. LISTEN FOR once.

Imagine Austin's blur look as he watches the whole tragedy like a comedy. I wish i was him. No problems at all and nothing to worry about.

Now lets eradicate all this vindictiveness and reunite shall we?

2006-08-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

0.108 years more to leaving perth.
1.3 months more to sunny singapore.
39 days more till holidays.
which is 937 more hours of boredom.
and 56220 more minutes of studying.
and 3373200 more seconds of time wasting.

I'm sure this daily countdown will improve my maths drastically.

one more thing, to ANYONE who is thinking of watching the show "Miami Vice", please think twice. Its the shittest show i have ever watched in a long time. Unless time and money is insignificant on your side, then by all means watch la. zzz, wasted my 2 hours of freedom and ruined my weekend.

Momochan! i bought tim tams for you :)

2006-08-18T18:26:00.000+08:00

i'm so glad its over.
but now, i got busted for an overwhelming phone bill.

2006-08-17T15:52:00.000+08:00

Sports day was average.The sun was a few degrees too hot. The track was a little too slippery.
and i ran 100m in 13.8 seconds. zzz time to snooze. bleah.

2006-08-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

I'm enjoying school. I swear i am. Please believe me. I am so enjoying daydreaming in literature. I am so enjoying reading my story book in Maths class. I am so enjoying sleeping in chemistry. I am so enjoying pretend sick game during P.E. Just the positives of the blues in daily routine. Sports day tomorrow. OLEH!

cheer up my queen. life aint all about maths. =)
If i can enjoy the most boring things, so can you!

2006-08-14T16:24:00.000+08:00

i need a hair cut and Perth barbers suck.
My friend went to cut last week, he told the uncle. " uncle can cut spike please, not too long."
The uncle said, " okay, so you want short arh? no problem."
My friend assuming that he meant short spiked hair just nodded his head.
The result???
He became the joke of the day as he came out looking like some shaved poodle with uneven distribution of hair.
So much so that he didnt wanna go to the party that night hahaha.
It was $28 by the way. legitimate daylight robbery.

44 days to singapore.i miss you baby.

and today in A maths class, some retarded class mate of mine wrote this on the board. hahahaha

he cancelled the " n's " from sine and 1/n. lol, and he got it from a website with a sub heading of "Trigonometry" .

2006-08-10T19:21:00.000+08:00

Looking at everyones blogs commenting on how eventful national day was, i wish i was there. Dam la, stupid school blocked all the websites, so i couldnt catch it online. The 3rd national day i have missed already.

And linette is crazy, she thinks i prank called her disguising myself as a personel from citibank.
wa lau, i not so free to make overseas calls like that la. LOL. and since its not me, she cursed and told that innocent person off. OFFENDING him considerably. and up to now, she still thinks its me. -_-" o linettay, you need counselling.

Today went well, other than some stupid fight that 2 of my friends got into. It just came out of no where i swear, its like we were all just eating on a table and suddenly, they threw punches and and stuff. I was just gobsmacked and did not know what to do can? Though we stopped it in the end. Injuries werent fatal, just a couple of stitches i think, and a sore eye plus detentions. Siao people. Cant settle things the diplomatic way. But sometimes i'm like that. Maybe its just a guys thing. o wells.ego, ego and more ego.

O michelle, give me a chance to explain.

I must be a christian child
gentle, patient, meek and mild
must be honest, simple, true.
In my words and actions too
must remember, god can view
all i think, and all i do.

Just some rules cramped into a poem from literature class that i shall try to live by.

2006-08-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

i love my friends =)
Without them, life is un-survivable. if that makes any cow sense.
Hahs.

Tell me you loved me.
Tell me you tried.
as i try to put these feelings aside.

On love, in sadness.

2006-08-06T20:55:00.000+08:00

where's my clown?

2006-08-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

and its the week end again.